Quilter's Sharing Around the Cutting Table

We quilters have a lot to share with one another. Sometimes it’s a quilting technique, sometimes it’s a favorite fabric, (it’s never gossip!) and sometimes it’s humor. Around the Cutting Table is a collection of quips and jokes shared with me by my quilting buddies. I hope you enjoy them, and feel free to join the fun.

 

 

 

From Mary W.,

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can HO HO HO

What do Santa's helpers learn in Kindergarden?

The Elfabet

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

From Pat B.,

The other day my friend and I were sitting in her
sewing room working on projects and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged my Featherweight and

threw out my bottle of water ....

From Kari S.,

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your GIRLFRIEND Called!

  

 

 

From Kari S.,

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said,"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said,"Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,"Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman

truly happy."

The Lord replied,"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

From Kari S.,
dedicated to my “teacher friends”

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers…and there are educators.

This one is from Bunny
(You’ll get to know Bunny. She will likely be a regular contributor to the Cutting Table.
She can’t resist telling a tale.)

A husband and wife were having a discussion about the family finances. They both agreed that it was high time to cut back on spending. But, the wife said, “You know, I see you spent $20.00 on beer last week.” The husband said, “Yes, but you spent $85.00 on make-up!”

The wife said, “Why dear, that was so I could look beautiful to you.” The husband replied, “That’s what the beer was for.”

Did you hear about the 2 antennas that got married?

The wedding was lousy, but the reception was perfect.

A Blond in K-Mart Buying Curtains

She said to the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."  The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.  He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hart time choosing.  Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.  The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.  The blonde promptly replies, "Seventeen inches."  "Seventeen inches?" asked the salesman.  "That sounds very small; what room are they for?"  The blonde says, "They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor."  The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!!".  The blonde says, "Hellllooooooo..  I've got Windoooooows....!"

John and his parrot

John received a parrot as a gift.  The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.  Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled back.  John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.  In desperation John grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.  For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly openned the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.  As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

If you have a Cutting Table story to share, email me at info@quiltedtreasures.net

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